Showing posts with label Clean Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Clean Jokes. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Monday, February 6, 2012
Hans Schmidt or Sam ting...wats real name :)
A man was walking through Chinatown when he noticed a sign reading: "Hans Schmidt's Chinese Laundry." Being of a curious nature, he entered and was greeted by an old Oriental man who identified himself as Hans Schmidt.
"How come you have a name like that?" inquired the stranger.
"Is simple," says the old Oriental man.
"Many, many year ago when come to this country, stand in immigration line behind a big German guy. Immigration lady look at him and go, "What your name?"
He say, "Hans Schmidt."
Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'"
"I say, Sam Ting." :p
For those who don't understand this(Sam Ting=same thing)
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Retired Man at the Doctor's Office..funny joke
Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a Prostate exam.
Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.......
The waiting room was filled with patients.
As I approached the receptionist's desk,
I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
I gave her my name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.......
The waiting room was filled with patients.
As I approached the receptionist's desk,
I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
I gave her my name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me,
a now very embarrassed man.
But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,
BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."
The room erupted in applause!
DON'T MESS WITH RETIRED GUYS, THEY ARE READY FOR YOU!
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me,
a now very embarrassed man.
But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,
BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."
The room erupted in applause!
DON'T MESS WITH RETIRED GUYS, THEY ARE READY FOR YOU!
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Courtroom Humour
A man was in court for a double murder, and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!"
The judge continued, "You are also charged with beatingyour mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You damned bastard!"
The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime,
but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you, or I shall charge you with contempt! Now is that a problem?"
The man at the back of the court stood up and responded,
"For fifteen years, I have lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he never had one!"
A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!"
The judge continued, "You are also charged with beatingyour mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You damned bastard!"
The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime,
but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you, or I shall charge you with contempt! Now is that a problem?"
The man at the back of the court stood up and responded,
"For fifteen years, I have lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he never had one!"
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Saturday, January 28, 2012
what people say and what they mean -4...funny image
Friday, January 27, 2012
what people say and what they mean -3...funny image
Thursday, January 26, 2012
what people say and what they mean -1 ...funny image
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Monday, January 23, 2012
A few things American movies taught their kids--funny image
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Husband store ... very funny joke
Husband Stores
A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men…
The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 – These men have jobs.
The woman reads the sign and says to herself, “Well, that’s better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what’s further up?”
So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love kids.
The woman remarks to herself, “That’s great, but I wonder what’s further up?” And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
“Hmmm, better” she says. “But I wonder what’s upstairs?”
The fourth floor sign reads:
Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.
“Wow!” exclaims the woman, “very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!” And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads:
Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
“Oh, mercy me! But just think… what must be awaiting me further on?” So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads:
Floor 6 – You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at The Husband Store and have a nice day. :p
Friday, January 6, 2012
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Best Pickup lines - very funny
Is your dad a terrorist?
Cause ur the bomb.
Your dad must be a butcher,
cause ur a fine piece of meat.
Are your parents aliens?
Cause there’s nothing like you on this planet.
Are you a parking ticket?
Cause you’ve got fine written all over you.
Can i borrow your library card?
Cause i wanna check u out.
Do you believe in love at first site?
If you dont; let me walk by again.
Do you have a bandaide?
I scraped my knee falling for you.
Better call God,
He’s missing one of his angels.
Did it hurt?
Falling from heaven?
Do you have a map?
Cause i got lost in ur eyes.
Are u a burglar?
Cause u just stole my heart.
I’m not drunk,
I’m just intoxicated by you.
Were you arrested earlier?
It’s gotta be illegal to look that good.
Ya know, you look really hot!
You must be real reason for global warming.
Damn, if being sexy was a crime,
you’d be guilty as charged!
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
who wants a talking dog ..funny joke
A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale."
He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes around the house and into the backyard and sees a handsome Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government."
"So I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping."
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down."
"I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals."
"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed.
He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars", says the owner.
The guy says, "This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."
He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes around the house and into the backyard and sees a handsome Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government."
"So I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping."
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down."
"I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals."
"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed.
He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars", says the owner.
The guy says, "This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."
Friday, January 21, 2011
That is what manager do,Offload their worries ...very funny joke
Fresh out of business school, a young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.
“I need someone with an accounting degree,” the man said. “But mainly, I’m looking for someone to do my worrying for me.”
“Excuse me?” the accountant said.
“I worry about a lot of things,” the man said. “But I don’t want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.”
“I see,” the accountant said. “And how much does the job pay?”
“I’ll start you at eighty thousand.”
“Eighty thousand dollars!” the accountant exclaimed.
“How can such a small business afford a sum like that?”
“That,” the owner said, “is your first worry.”
“I need someone with an accounting degree,” the man said. “But mainly, I’m looking for someone to do my worrying for me.”
“Excuse me?” the accountant said.
“I worry about a lot of things,” the man said. “But I don’t want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.”
“I see,” the accountant said. “And how much does the job pay?”
“I’ll start you at eighty thousand.”
“Eighty thousand dollars!” the accountant exclaimed.
“How can such a small business afford a sum like that?”
“That,” the owner said, “is your first worry.”
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
How to empty doctor's office ..funny one
A patient goes to the doctor's office where, much to his surprise the doctor asks him, "Would you please help me with a problem I'm having?"
Sure, doctor, what can I do for you, says the patient.
"Would you scream in the most earsplitting, piercing screams you can manage? Try to make it sound as if you're in terrible pain." The doctor says.
"But why, doctor, you've always been gentle with me and your treatments have never caused me any pain?" Asks the patient.
"Yes," Says the doctor in a matter-of-fact tone, "but I have a 4 o'clock tee time at the golf course I don't want to miss, and my waiting room is still full of patients."
Monday, January 3, 2011
This is how blind pilots drive plane ...very very funny joke
Two blind pilots both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough in to the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into t heir magazines, secure in the knowledge that the pl ane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,"ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Thanks for listening me...funny picture
Thanks for listening me....other than you no body listens me
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